Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
FUCK WHALES
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
