i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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