hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
