Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize