just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
