she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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