i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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