does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I deserve this hangover.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
