good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
