I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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