my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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