I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
