I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
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