My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
