But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
