grandma shit on top of the toilet
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
