eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
