Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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