Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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