Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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