Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I have already put on my inside pants.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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