The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize