I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
