im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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