there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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