i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i wish my penis had a tongue
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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