I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
