After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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