So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
