just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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