well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
