I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
