im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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