Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
