The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i came on her dog
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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