I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We have so much sex to catch up on
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
