i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Randomize
