I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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