there's paper in my vomit.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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