I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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