Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
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