i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
