the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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