remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
