the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
