my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize