I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
