what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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