I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
