dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
