dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
As shirtless as possible
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize