Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
