I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
