how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I need mimosas to revive my soul
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
