Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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