Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
