A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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