I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
