First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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