I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
